I’ve been thinking. Thinking about ways it could be all ended.
I am flirting with it. I have snuck out of bed. Gotten changed.
I’m wrapped up in a coat in the kitchen. I stood for a while watching the clock on the oven.
Would it be better to go at night or day. Night I think to myself.
I googled it. I found out different ways. Things I hadn’t thought of. Some are so obvious.
I’m so tired.
J said that everything was OK last week. What has changed?
What has changed? Nothing.
I wasn’t OK last week.
I screamed and threw the laptop on the ground. The dogs started to growl at me.
“I’m not screaming!! I want to die. I’m not OK I’m not OK!!!Stop saying I’m OK, that everything will be fine next week. Stop speaking. Shut your fucking mouth.”
He called me a cunt then.
They deserve more than this.
I was planning my wedding this morning. Tonight I’m planning my death.